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Happy Monday. Welcome back. Yes, yes, yes. Just let it wash over me like a warm bath.
So I bet you’re wondering what became of the Ontario school teacher with monstrous prosthetic breasts that created the biggest uproar in Canada since that guy killed a moose in his kitchen with a hockey stick. And does it involve skydiving with a self-described conservative porn star? It does. It does. Which means it’s time for.
NARRATOR: If it happens up there, we report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate: Canada 2023. Week 11.
2023. We’re in week 11, I believe. Here’s what we’ve been reporting to bring you up to speed.
GREG GUTFELD: According to the Toronto Sun, she, was once a he, began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class.
GREG GUTFELD: The school board still stands behind the teacher. No other choice.
GREG GUTFELD: Now, there have been angry protests, upset parents and aroused and confused babies.
GREG GUTFELD: So welcome to Canada, where you can’t spell identity without titty. But we still don’t know if this is indeed a real thing, a prank or a prank gone wrong.
GREG GUTFELD: The Halton District School Board where she teaches, has come out in support of the teacher’s, literally in your face, fetish. But how about a little common sense? Women don’t even look like that in my dreams.
So I walk you through all this for a reason because no one else has. And it’s our obligation to provide all the coverage that’s missing in this story. This is our wheelhouse. And it helps that the teachers ariolas are the size of wheels. But due to no actual work of my own or anyone here, for that matter, we have stumbled onto some actual real news. The shop teacher was recently pictured, in all her immense boobery, skydiving. Local pilots initially reported it as a collision of weather balloons.
But no joke. Apparently, she was skydiving with a male porn star named Voodoo. Hopefully he’s a breast man. Although that’s what some might call the teacher too. Voodoo claims he didn’t know who she was when she showed up to jump out of the plane. But he also claimed that due to her height and breast size, taking on a tandem skydive was a challenge. It’s the first time, he told a diver, “If the chute doesn’t open, you’ll be fine if you land face down.”
But this raises the key question only this show has the guts to ask. Do those breasts weigh what they’re supposed to weigh or are they hollow? Like that inflatable doll I may or may not have owned in the ’90s. This is key, because if you’re going to transition and make the change more than just an attention-seeking fetish, shouldn’t it be the real weight? And if not, is this trans teacher guilty of stolen breast valor? Huh? Thank you.
How about all the natural, buxom women who suffer with agonizing back pain like Dolly Parton, Sofia Vergara and this guy? Because if the breasts were truly their true weight, you couldn’t skydive without a separate parachute for each breast and that’s assuming it clears the plane’s weight restrictions for takeoff. On any normal flight, you’d have to put them in the back of the plane with the checked baggage. So these breasts may be size Triple Z, but you can guess by her easy movement, they’re as empty as Joy Reid’s head.
Oh, you people. So she’s packed her own flotation devices. And if there’s a water landing, she can pontoon the whole crew to safety. Talk about a Miracle on the Hudson. The Toronto Sun, a paper, says the teacher remains on leave due to an injury not suffered at school, which requires her to wear a boot on her foot. So how did she hurt her foot? A reporter would ask. Did she get it caught when she was putting on her bra? Maybe she fell off the stage during a wet tarp contest.
But now, she can’t teach shop class. She can’t teach shop class, but she could skydive. So what’s that tell us? That the on leave thing is as genuine as her Dorito-sized hubcaps. It’s another word for areola. This could be yet another twist to the best trolling ever.
So you say teachers can identify however they want and force it on students? Cool. Hello, Playtex. I’d like to order the double Taj Mahal. And now you’re sending me home for an injury. Cool. I’ll go skydiving with my giant *** everything. I love this person. I’d hug her if my arms were four times longer. By the way, during the dive, the wig came off quicker than Trudeau’s blackface with a toilet brush. You’d think a shop teacher would have bolted it down. Now, the Daily Mail, which reported on this, says “it’s not clear what the relationship is, if there is any, between Voodoo and Lemieux”, the woman, man, now woman.
So we expect it to believe that Miss Monster Boobs just randomly selected the only conservative porn star skydiver on Earth to pull off this stunt. If something smells fishy, for once, it’s not me. But I don’t care. What I do care about is how identity has embraced fetishism. Once we’ve obliterated the binary nature of gender, any semblance of sanity went with it. A man can identify as a cartoon fetish scribbled on a bathroom wall in eighth grade or in Jesse Watters’ case, last Tuesday. He does it all the time.
And if you don’t abide, then you’re the villain. Even if the truth’s staring back at you with shot glass sized nipples. Gender politics is now being exposed by its own rejection of standards. It lets anything be a woman, anything, making womanhood meaningless because being a woman is more than simply some guy who gets off dressing up with planet-sized breasts. But according to the trans movement, it can be. If I were a woman, I’d be pissed. And who’s to say I’m not?